How do you navigate through life as yourself in a world that consistently tells you to be anything other than you?
“Crying is feminine” and then a girl cries and she’s weak. Straight hair is what the billboards show us is beautiful and then a black girl irons her gorgeous curls down flat and now she’s “trying too hard”. “Cover-up”, now she’s a prude. “Don’t be so frigid”, now she’s a slut. Society has sent more mixed messages than a guy trying to play with your feelings. The sad truth is, nothing will ever be enough. There will always be something you could’ve done or shouldn’t have done. Someone will tell you your straight hair looks better than your natural curls and someone else will tell you that your curls look better than when you straighten your hair. But you were not put on this earth to fit an unobtainable mould.
Being a woman, your looks are everything. Even when you don't want them to be. From the minute you come out of the womb, you have people commenting on how you look. “She’s so pretty” or “she’s going to break hearts when she’s older” and the comments just get heavier and heavier as life goes on. Everybody is trying to fit this non-existent mould that society has put out for us without ever realising that we are society. We enforce these terms. Women are just as guilty for commenting on peoples looks and how they should look. The darker aspect of that is that a lot of it stems from internalised misogyny and patriarchal control. In an ideal world, women wouldn’t criticise other women because we know how difficult it is being a woman. But that is just an ideal world. That doesn’t happen in the world we live in. People’s Instagram comments are flooded with discourse about how they should lose weight, or not do their make up a certain way. People will happily tweet a picture of someone else just to completely belittle them. Insecurity is not something you are born with. It is something you learnt along the way.
It’s 2020 and yes, times are changing. But why does my Instagram feed still promote slim teas and weight loss products accompanied by pictures of people who have clearly had surgery? When will enough be enough? How many more young girls will have to go through the torture of having an eating disorder whilst they have a goal of a body that isn't even real. It will never be their body and yet they go through the depths of hell trying to get that figure. Capitalism profits off our suffering and insecurity. The more we are taught to hate our bodies, the more we will buy these products that we are made to believe will make us “skinny”. I was actually planning on calling this piece “I grew up on the Kardashians and then I couldn’t control my bowels”. As funny as that may sound, its a harsh reality that I have only come to realise many years after. Like most young, impressionable teenagers, I watched Keeping up with the Kardashians and fell for their skinny tea promotions. The reality of those “skinny teas” is that you starve yourself and then it works as a laxative. Ever since I drank those teas my stomach has never been the same. I also didn't love my body. The whole process of it is completely soul-destroying. You’ll never look like someone who has had surgery because your genetics won't allow it. It took YEARS for me to feel comfortable in my skin again, and even then, the damage was already done. I don't write this to make anyone feel bad for me, I write it so one person might feel more seen. A large part of hating your body is thinking that nobody else feels the same way. I see you and I feel you.
The biggest paradox is that we are taught that we have to love ourselves whilst simultaneously we are exposed to images and advertisements that teach us the exact opposite. As if the world is saying, love yourself but only if you look like this. So then it becomes an ongoing battle. However, the battle shouldn't have to be against ourselves, it should be against the institutions and people who enforce the notion that you have to be society’s idea of “pretty”. To the women posting the “real” pictures of their body, unflexed and not photoshopped, you’re moving society in the right direction.
You only have one body. It’s the one place you will always live. Unlearn what society taught you and learn to love it. The radical idea of going against what society has led you to believe will save you.
